A Thought Catalog list showed up in my feed a few days ago:12 Things Girls Are Embarrassed Of That They Should Be.
I clicked on the link because the woman who shared it on Facebook prefaced the piece with the following:
FYI, women deal with this shit every. single. day. As much as many of you like to think that we don’t, that humanity has moved forward, we do, and it hasn’t. And yes, I know there are wonderful men out there, and I’m sorry douchecanoes like this are ruining it for everyone. Maybe the good ones ought to pipe up more, too.
I took the bait first by reading the list, and went one step further by adding my own irrelevant comment to the sea of irrelevant comments following the piece. (Ian has asked me more than once, “Why do you bother leaving comments?” Valid question.)
The list of things “girls” should be embarrassed about – which includes “Roots are showing” and “Being a slut” – compelled me to click on the author’s name. I was curious about who would write such a thing, and why.
The list’s creator, Kil Mister, is “39, happily single and never married, no kids, just as planned.” He’s also a contributing writer at Return of Kings, which describes itself in part as “a blog for heterosexual, masculine men” that is “meant for a small but vocal collection of men in America today who believe men should be masculine and women should be feminine.”
Women and gay men are not permitted to comment there.
As averse to healthy discussion as Return of Kings may be, Kil Mister, who works in IT and sales when he’s not writing blog entries that enrage many women (and, he said, get the support of many others), was not. He responded promptly to my email asking for an interview, and he was polite (even friendly) throughout our back-and-forth via email.
He agreed to the interview on one condition: I couldn’t reveal his real name. (“Kil Mister” is a name that was inspired by one of his musical heroes, Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead.)
Q: Why do you not use your real name?
A: As you can imagine, there are some crazies in this world and I often hear from them. Some have even made threats. So putting my real name out there is not beneficial to me. There are a lot of unstable people out there. However, I do put my photo up so I cannot be accused of hiding and judging in anonymity. It’s like, here is my photo, have at it…. And they do.
Q: Why did you write the list you wrote about the things you thought women should be embarrassed about?
A: I just thought it would be funny to counter the original list with my own version.
Q: You have several other woman-focused blog posts online, to include “Asian Women Are Classy, American Women Are Classless” and “No Woman Can Escape Mother Nature’s Devastating Reality Check.” What do you get out of writing these pieces – that is, what do you get out of it personally, and (part b) what do you hope to accomplish?
A: It’s fun. I like engaging with people and watching them debate each other. For every hate-filled response I get, I get two positive ones encouraging me to continue. If I can wake some people up in the meantime it’s worth it. I get Tweets and emails all the time telling me how something I wrote was the talk of the office that day and it sparked huge debates. That is awesome.
Q: In “No woman can escape mother nature’s devastating reality check,” you write:
Definition of Hypocrisy
Now, they [older women] turn their nose up to the girls who are 4 or 5 years younger for the exact same behaviors they too once exhibited, only now are incapable of because that new generation of younger, tighter and more desirable females is on the scene. Of course they notice the men gravitating towards the new improved 2014 models first. Survival mode kicks in, and the younger crop is immediately labeled “slutty” or “trashy.” In other words, attempt whatever it takes to downgrade the better stock.
How is this different from what you’re doing?
A: I am simply pointing out the hypocrisy of many women when they find themselves no longer the star of the show. They become extremely catty and vindictive towards one another. They actually will ridicule other women for doing the exact same things they did 2 years ago, acting as if they have always been too good to behave that way. Like we all somehow forgot. It’s more a comment on how women think and their lack of loyalty to other women. It’s all one big competition for attention.
Q: You write in the same piece, “Is anything sadder than a female past her prime that still acts like she has the power and allure of a 23 year old?”
Some might say the sadder thing is the person who spends so much time writing about them. You spend an awful lot of time discussing the older women you think are worthless, and then you also make it your mission to minimize the worth of the same 23-year-olds you say here have “power and allure.” You’ll understand, I hope, when I ask: why do these women make you so angry? For instance, if I meet a man at any age who behaves in a way I find disgusting, sexist, entitled, etc., I simply chalk it up to a questionable childhood and/or poor choice in social group and move on to someone more mature. If these women bother you so much, why don’t you just find a different crowd?
A: Angry? Not angry, I just see right through all their behaviors for what they really are and I don’t care to put up with them. I write in an abrasive style, some may say offensive, and I can see why it comes off as anger. But really it’s just me saying that I am onto your shit and I hope I can get other men to see it too.
It works. I have support from literally hundreds of thousands of people, men and women alike. That’s why I always laugh when others say it’s just me and my bitterness. Ha, not even close.
Despite what people think, I don’t hate women. I love being around women, even the ones that don’t carry themselves very well. Party girls are fun. I have a lot of female friends and don’t seem to have a hard time having intimate female partners. They all know how I am. To hang with me personally is a lot different than just reading some article I put online. Again, this is more about what an average woman is going to bring to the table compared to what she is going to demand in return. Usually the balance of the two is way off.
Q: Are you a men’s rights activist?
A: I wouldn’t say that, but when it comes to the insanity of divorce laws in this country I am. Why a man would want to gamble his life and financial future on marriage is beyond me. He has nothing to gain and everything to lose.
Every guy probably thinks, “Yeah, but my girl wouldn’t do that to me.” Yes…she can and will. No matter who is at fault she gets everything. The money, house and the kids. I think most men get married because the relationship gets to the point where it’s either we do this or we break up. Out of fear he gets married and usually regrets it. It’s all about her, not him, as usual.
Q: In your Return of Kings blog post that went viral, Why most women don’t deserve a good man, you write of the young women you’re observing in the bars you frequent:
They are just examples of an all too typical American female. The ones who feel like they can behave any way they choose and shit on whomever they want without consequence.
What led you to conclude that behavior is typical of American women?
A: Let me say first, my opinions are not strictly based off 20-year-old women in bars like I am often accused of. I speak of women my own age and beyond. But for some reason it always goes back to those two paragraphs where I mention bars and 20-year-old women.
My opinions are based off a lifetime of experiences, as well as my friends’ and acquaintances’ own experiences. Experiences that only men my age who have been single and social for this long could really know about. I don’t think most people really understand how scandalous it is out there, from women (and men) that you would call ‘bar flies’ all the way up to the conservative married mother of two who appears to have it all together at the bake sale.
Q: Are you aware of the irony in this passage from the same article?
Let’s not even get into the women I personally have hooked up with over the years who were married or had boyfriends. That was something I did mostly in my 20s and is not worth the hassle or risk these days, but I truly don’t think the average guy out there realizes what shady creatures women are by nature.
A: Of course I am aware. I am not claiming to be a great person based off my past behaviors. But those experiences taught me a lot about all kinds of women from various backgrounds.
Again, it’s not just the stereotypical party girl ‘skank.’ However, I am also not claiming I deserve anything special in return, nor do I deny my own behaviors when asked about them. Women tend to skip over those parts of their life when convenient to their current dating scenario, or tone them down quite a bit.
Q: Do you think a man your age should be able to compete with men in their twenties who are engaging with women in their twenties?
A: Absolutely, why not? Women tend to go out with older men, and if you can pull it off as an older man you should. I would not date one on a serious level, not enough in common. But casually, sure. Happens all the time.
Q: Do you immediately disregard as potential romantic partners women who are your own age?
A: Not at all. We have more in common and they tend to be easier to hang out with. But the reality is, often women my own age have lost much of the physical appeal. I know that sounds mean, but it is just reality. Men are usually going to be attracted to younger women. I don’t look the same as I did when I was 22 either, but time tends to be more kind to men than women.
Q: Why are you, at nearly 40, so focused on how club women in their twenties sexually interact with equally sexually active men in clubs?
A: Again, this was not only about those women. They are only one part of the giant puzzle that included women into their 30s and 40s. But I do notice a large discrepancy in the way 20-somethings now carry themselves as opposed to when I was that age. They openly accept trashy behavior without shame. Just look at a dance floor in 1998 compared to one now. Pretty soon dancing is just going to be public sex in rhythm to a terrible techno song.
Q: So, does “sexual” = “trashy” to you? (And again, why is that your focus? Why is it of such interest you?)
A: Sexy is great. But trashy is a whole other thing. Men like sexy women and a women can carry herself in a very sexy/sexual way without being trashy. That can be a red flag regarding the way a potential girlfriend or wife is going to represent you, not only when you are with her, but also when you are not around and she is out with friends. You represent one another in a relationship, and nobody wants to be represented by a trashy person, male or female.
Q: Complaining about a certain kind of woman doesn’t necessarily do much to help men searching for a different kind of woman. If anything, it gets a ‘Yeah! Bitches suck!’ and reinforces their animosity toward women, which is no way to move forward in a pursuit of a relationship with a woman. How can a man with such negative feelings about women go into any new encounter positively?
A: I go into it open minded until the usual signs show themselves. At this point I know the red flags immediately when I see them and I am often stunned when others don’t see them in their own relationship scenarios. Or maybe they see them and look past it out of fear. I don’t. I don’t fear being alone. I cherish it.
I am open to finding those truly great girls out there. But sadly it ends up in disappointment more times than not. Again, not just for me but for many of my friends, family and acquaintances. There is a reason I have so much backup from other men and women alike.
Q: I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “Like attracts like.” Have you ever wondered whether something you’re doing attracts the kind of woman you hate? The ones you say send you photographs of themselves in all stages of undress, sometimes with adult toys?
A: Again, I don’t hate women.
While that theory is applicable in certain scenarios it is not always the case. Experiences in life tell me people in general have a dark and shady side and this includes a lot of women. Not just the 22-year-old at the bar, either, but also the 35-year-old head of the PTA.
I grew up in Central New York, spent a few years in Atlanta and now several more in Hawaii. Completely different places with different cultures, and the story never changes.
Q: Have you considered writing a piece instructing young men how to a) find women less into club culture, if that’s not what they’re looking for, and b) how to be the kind of man – the places to visit, the way to behave – that attracts the kind of women they hope to find?
A: I don’t even go to clubs at all, I hate clubs. I go socialize at a couple bars once or MAYBE twice a week. It bothers me that people seem to think I base all this of being in bars and clubs, when in reality that is like 25% of where this all comes from. It deflects from the reality.
There is no mystery: if you want to attract a good woman carry yourself appropriately. Again, one of the big comments I get is how I don’t deserve a good woman and I will die alone…blah…blah. I am not personally looking for anything. This is not about me as people try to make it.
Q: Touching on the first part of that last one, how DO you expect yourself, or anyone else who agrees with what you write and has animosity toward women in general, to engage with a woman positively and openly as a human being instead of immediately waiting for her to mess up, looking for any flaw they can immediately use to justify their preconceived idea that women are either selfish princesses or “past their prime” women jealous of selfish princesses?
A: It’s not like that at all. When I hang out with my female friends, or a women I am interested in intimately, I interact with them like any other normal person. I can be friends with women, even be intimate with them and like them as people while still not agreeing with their ideas or behaviors.
It’s no different from hanging out with guy friends and calling them out for being an asshole or pissing me off. I might not date these women, but we can all hang out socially.
Q: What do you think of the young men who are as sexually active as young women and who also complain about not finding a “good woman”?
A: They have no right to complain if they don’t carry themselves as a good man. Thing is, I don’t hear that even half as much from men as I do women. Women tend to think simply being a woman entitles them to a good man and that is the only qualification they need. I am here to say…bullshit.
Q: What is your idea of the perfect relationship?
A: Personally, I have no interest in relationships. Not even because of my view of women. I have always been a man who likes ultimate freedom and I get too much anxiety in a relationship. My time is my time.
But I guess it would simply be two people that actually respect each other and can prove it to each other daily. Not just talk about it publicly while acting completely different behind the scenes.
Q: You complained that the American women you engaged with talked only about themselves, then praised Asian women for asking questions. What are you interested to learn about the women you date?
A: I don’t think anyone really ‘dates’ these days. More just grey areas of hanging out and hook ups. But a lot of American women tend to be negative and complain a lot during conversation. I don’t want to hear about how awful your friends can be, what you think of your ex’s new girlfriend, or how much you hate your coworkers. Just tell me what you like to do in life, your goals, where you have been and where you want to go. Things that I actually want to listen to.
Q: In your blog post “Asian Women are Classy, American Women are Classless,” you first write that American women don’t like to make decisions, that if they don’t like something, they’ll make it known, but they won’t offer up an alternative. Which is “bad.” You later write this about Asian women, and this behavior = “good”:
…in my experience the Asian women [sic] does not act entitled or bratty when they don’t get their way.
She will drink water, maybe a martini or craft beer you recommend. Conversation is pleasant and she answers all your questions with a refreshing authenticity. The American women immediately orders a draft beer or maybe a shot of Jameson.
Here, an American woman knowing what she wants is bad, and the Asian woman taking your recommendation instead of making her own decision is good. Can you clarify?
A: Far too many American women these days want to be like men. They want to drink like men, swear like sailors and carry themselves like a frat guy on spring break. That is not attractive. If you want to be that way it’s fine…but again…don’t ask us why men are not treating you like a lady.
Q: You write in the same piece about general conversation on a first date:
For an Asian woman this means listening and politely asking questions, while showing a genuine interest. Again, she is sincerely happy to be in your presence and is actually quite enthralled.
How do you know she’s sincerely happy to be in your presence, that she’s ‘actually quite enthralled’? Is it not more than a little bit racist to assume that because she’s Asian she cares about you and isn’t just being polite, having been raised in a somewhat quieter, more traditional, less outspoken culture?
A: This is based on experiences I have had. Even if she is not being genuine, she has the class to at least pretend she is. But there is no question the Asian women is raised to be more respectful than the modern American women.
We can debate which is better, but it is a matter of taste. Mine leans towards the polite and not the obnoxious entitled woman. I will hang out with the obnoxious girl, but she will never meet my family.
Q: What do you think a “polite,” “classy,” “quality” woman would think about a man of almost 40 who takes time out of his day to compile a list for Thought Catalog that tells “girls” what they should be embarrassed about, and those things include pubic hair, natural facial hair, and menstruation, among other things more likely to show up on a list in a boy’s middle school bathroom stall?
A: The women you described may or may not find it funny, depends on her sense of humor I guess. Sense of humor does not always define a person in those terms. But hey, we can’t satisfy everyone.
I think way too much focus was put on that. It was as spur of the moment article that took 10 minutes to write and I thought it was funny. So did a lot of other people. Not everyone has the same sense of humor. Also, I felt Thought Catalog was too much feminine fluff and needed something like that to shake things up. It can be like reading some sort of generic women’s magazine a lot of the time.
Q: Is this the kind of material you, as a writer, always imagined yourself writing? (Do you view yourself as a writer, or are these pieces more like public journal entries, a way to vent, and your real passions lie elsewhere?)
A: All the writing I have ever done has been similar to this. Social commentary mixed with my own brand of humor and abrasive style. Again, despite all the hate I tend to get more support. I enjoy the interactions. Even though I will never respond directly to a comment, I like watching others debate my cause.
The hateful comments are actually hilarious. I have been called every name you can imagine, told to kill myself, death threats. You name it. But they say I am the ‘angry’ one. I am told I generalize too much, then they generalize me right back. Oh well.
Q: How much of what you write is genuine, and how much is a persona so you can generate click bait?
A: There is truth behind every single thing I write. It may go over the top and be abrasive, but that is me. I don’t even know what ‘click bait’ is, to be honest.